Time and Sorrow and the Laying Down of Heads

Remembering today the tragic and sudden loss of Bee, son of Suradet and Yupa, and big brother to Bell, struck by a truck while on his motorcycle on the way home from school, August 31, 2016.

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It was four years ago, but the images are vivid.  

The first wretched phone call.  The disorientation of deciding to go.  The extra-long, and appropriately turbulent plane ride.  Arriving to a monstrous grief, and the strangeness of eastern death rituals.  Surreal on so many levels.

Bee was dead.  And it didn't matter that we didn't believe this could be true; it was.  Beloved son of Suradet and Yupa, just 20, did not survive the collision between a tractor-trailer rig and the motorcycle he was driving.

A Thai funeral lasts all week.  Bee was lying in the covered yard of his grandparents, a decision made purposely so, even in the rawness, the folks immediately available in that village would have the chance to see how followers of Jesus grieved.  Even in their grief, thinking of others always.  

About forty people stayed together in the house, most of whom were from the mountain, Suradet's side of the family.  His parents, sisters, spouses, children, and some friends who had come along. There was visitation every day.  The village women made the food.  Mostly sticky rice and dishes of varying spice-intensities in which to dip and scoop with the sticky rice.  I didn't use anything but my hands for eating the entire week.  Every night there was a service; music and a message, as a gift from other churches nearby.  I spoke at one of them.  I still have the notes, which is good, because otherwise I wouldn't know what I said.  

It was hot.

At first I was given a room to myself upstairs, complete with mosquito netting around the bed.  But it soon became impossible for this farang to be there, and I moved down to sleep, mat-to-mat, with the rest of the family.

In between the visitation and the food and the service and the sleeping we did nothing.  And quite literally nothing.  Sitting in silence, inside away from the sun, a fan blowing.  All of us, just around the walls of the room, or lying down on mats.  I wasn't sure, but it seemed this was part of what we were supposed to do.  Just sit and be in the midst of the loss.  

Suradet's mother and I had met before.  I'd been up to the village and we'd formed a tentative connection made more delicate because of the lack of language (my stumbling Thai wasn't all that helpful in a Karen village), and by her later-confessed utter intimidation in having this farang woman in her home.  That last part is complicated, and may seem ridiculous, except when you understand the layers of it, some of which date back many centuries to an old, old story told by the Karen in which the 'white brother' (or sister) is the long awaited hero.  

Sitting numb and silent against the wall together, however, we were simply two women trying to get our heads around the excruciating loss of a grandson.  

It was a bit of a cultural risk, what I did that one afternoon.  A calculated cultural risk, in that my understanding of the importance of the head in Thai culture, and having had women of the church come lay their heads down on my lap when my own mother died (while I was in Thailand).  And actually, now that I'm describing it as a risk, I don't think I really gave it too much thought.  It just seemed a way to communicate our shared pain.

I laid my head down on her lap.

She didn't seem surprised.  And quite naturally started to stroke back my hair, which was comforting. And I lay there like that for some time.  No words.  The language thing didn't matter in that moment.

That was four years ago.  And the image is vivid.

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Time and grief are not particularly good friends,                                                                                         I don't think.  

And I'm not at all sure that time does indeed heal all wounds.                                                                  Rather, time is a trickster, compressing and drawing out at the same of it,                                           until there is no telling what the year,                                                                                                       or what the hell.

A fine boy-almost-man,                                                                                                                      vibrant,                                                                                                                                                          persistent,                                                                                                                                                      fun,                                                                                                                                                           eats so much that you wonder how he stays so lean.                                                                      Talented musician,                                                                                                                              enjoying his studies,                                                                                                                                    loving life.

Then gone.

The force of it throws us hard against the wall,                                                                                            then,                                                                                                                                                          and now,                                                                                                                                                    the same. 

Beautiful son.

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I am so impressed with the tenacity of both Suradet and Yupa, little sister Bell, and Bee's grandparents all, in their relentless pursuit of authentic grieving and faithful ministry throughout this part of their story.

 

Not There

What does a missionary to Thailand do with herself if she can’t go to Thailand?

 Great question.

 Covid-19 has disrupted and disoriented lives all around the world.  Travel, particularly international travel, was among the first components of life to shut down.  Likely it will be one of the last to reopen, at least to the kind of ‘non-essential’ travel as visits to Hot Springs would be classified.  As well, there is the quarantine periods to consider.  Fourteen days on either side of a month-long visit drastically reduces any meaningful contribution, and imposes significant stress on both families, coming and going.

 So yes, I am “stuck” and “safe” in Canada for the foreseeable future.

 But I am not wasting this!

 Whatever else Covid-19 has imposed upon our lives – and with great sorrow and respect for those who have suffered and have lost loved ones – there is a way of approaching this unusual time with an eye for the opportunities.  And I see so many opportunities when it comes to the work of New Family Foundation!!

Opportunity to move forward with Property Development

We now have enough funds to begin building the road.  Covid-19 lockdown in Thailand, then the rainy season has stalled us from getting a good start on this for now.   In the meantime, there is still the larger project to consider and fundraising ventures to pursue.  Anyone who’s been involved in fundraising large projects such as this knows it takes time!  I am grateful for the extra time to read, connect, learn and experiment.  There is still a good vision ahead of us for providing the appropriate space for our kids.

Opportunity to stay connected.

Without a visit this summer, we were able to gather pictures and greetings from the Children’s Sponsors to send digitally.  This was an important connection, and something we hope to do every so often between the Children and their Sponsors, as long as in person visits are not possible.  Also, staying connected relationally with Suradet and Yupa and the children is happily possible through Facebook video chats.    Ken and I have even participated not just in the official Management Committee meetings required by both governments, but also in evening times of worship. 

Opportunity to prepare for next visit.

The preparation work for sermons and Bible lessons taught while there is significant.  While no date is set for a next visit, I can and am still working on the writing and research and gathering of materials.  A series in the book of Acts is on tap, and it’s been good to have extra time to make the lessons, in particular, engaging and fun. 

Opportunity for general ‘housekeeping’.

During the busy times of preparing for, traveling to, and returning from Thailand, the necessary tasks of overseeing a Foundation can get put in the ‘to do another time’ pile.  This is that other time.  Keeping records up to date, even purging and filing pictures for future use, is all part of the work, and I am grateful for the space to make sure things are all in good order.

Opportunity to support my supporting church.

As you know, Highview Community Church in Kitchener provides the “umbrella” for New Family Foundation and the means by which all donations, Sponsorships, and other important connections can function with accountability.  As Missionary In Residence, it is already part of my job description to serve in any way that’s reasonable, including being part of the preaching team.  During this period of time, another more concentrated way to support Highview has presented itself.  Our Senior Pastor, Erin Wildsmith and her husband Dave are expecting their third child in November.  Highview has asked if I would provide ministry oversight during the nine months of her mat leave.  There are several reasons I am delighted to serve Highview in this way.  One of them is in support of a church that acknowledges female leadership, particularly when it requires providing her with time to enjoy her baby and bond as a family.  This is still new in many church cultures, and I am happy to come alongside Highview as we continue to forge new paths for our congregation in the future.  The mat leave is from November 15, 2020 to August 15, 2021.   I will be retaining 15 hours per week to put towards all that is required to keep New Family Foundation and our children safe and well.

Opportunity for language study.

In between visits it is essential that I stay on top of the constant work of learning Thai.  This is best done in small daily doses, with weekly reinforcements.   Listening to Thai worship music, writing out Scripture from my Thai Bible, rewriting my rather messy notes in my Thai song book, and work through online lessons helps.  Nothing substitutes, however, for the immersion experience, and I am very conscious of what I’m missing by not being there.  All prayers for my cognitive functions are greatly appreciated :).

Opportunity to write.

Prompted by my own reflections during this long time of global weirdness, I have found some therapy in writing.  To my surprise, others seem to have found some of my words helpful, and have encouraged me to give some attention and time to making them more widely available.  I do not know what might come of such a venture, but….stay tuned for what might develop out of these initial ideas.  Anything that emerges will be put towards fund raising. 

Thank you.

Your ongoing faithfulness during this difficult time has been so encouraging and inspiring to me personally, and also to Suradet and Yupa, who cannot express their gratitude enough.  We are confident that God is moving us forward.  Your contribution keeps us headed in a good direction, no matter what the future holds.

One more thing.  We have a new grandson!  Timothy Christian was born Sunday, August 2, weighing in at 7 lbs 8 oz.  He is a blessing and a joy, and certainly provides me with no end of opportunity.  Leaving a legacy for children.  Can’t think of a better thing to do with ‘all this time’.

 Blessings and peace.

Stay safe and well.