Back In Chiang Mai

Ruth Anne: Why do I do this to my heart?

We are back in Chiang Mai for a few days of gathering ourselves back together before heading home. Our time at Hot Springs is done. Can't hardly believe it. We've had limited but hopefully adequate access to the blog, some of us being more wordy than others :), but all of us coping best we can with relentless heat and vicious humidity. It is a jungle out there, afterall, and rainy season notwithstanding, we've had some very tropical weather to contend with. And some emotional stuff to contend with. Fortunately, no real health stuff to contend with, although both Starr and George are coming down with colds. Go figure.

So here we are, showered and reveling in the AC, after having said our goodbyes to the children at Hot Springs.

But wait! That's the hard part. Let me get to the fun stuff.

THE WARDROBES ARRIVED TODAY!!!!

If you don't know already, it was the main project of this particular trip to gather funds for wardrobes for the kids. In previous efforts we had pulled together what was needed to purchase mattresses, a badly needed item at the time. Then, once we got the kids up off the floor, it was time to get their stuff up off the floor.

It was a fairly big deal for Suradet and Yupa and all of us there this morning. First, the area receiving the wardrobes - the side room off the children's bedrooms - had to be cleared away. Then we waited. We had been told the delivery would happen at 9 a.m. By 10, Suradet called and was told 11 a.m. This is very typical, so it didn't really phase anyone too much. And since we'd finished our packing, we came down to the table and an impromptu English/Thai lesson emerged, which was often the case in the inbetween moments. Some of my best "conversations" happened with Suradet in these times. At the moment, I'm trying to get the months of the year under my belt, but it's not sticking very well. Blame it on the humidity. I think my brain is slippery.

It was just after 11 when the wardrobes and bookcases arrived, piled high in the truck, Thai style. In the truly blistering heat, the delivery guys not only had to unload 8 wardrobes and 8 bookcases, but they had to quickly remove their shoes every time they got to the door, a very clever trick to watch.

In very short order a whole new room appeared, complete with a space for each child to claim as their own. I only wish we could have been there to see the kids' faces when they first saw them. But we'd had to say good bye before then. Oooh....That's the hard part again. Which actually didn't happen until after we'd seen them off to school.

THE KIDS STARTED SCHOOL TODAY!!!!!

They were all in their uniforms, part of what our sponsorship provides, and they were looking so sharp and ready to begin another school year that we just had to do the doting relative thing and take a whole lot of pictures. We were invited to take the drive with them to drop them off, first the younger ones, then the older ones. Yes, they ride in the back of the truck. Who knew going to school could be so much fun?

But the school ride actually takes us to a point AFTER the goodbyes, which I guess I've been avoiding because it's only going to make me cry again, and George and Starr have had just about enough of that by now, I'm thinking. (Not really, they've been great team mates, even in these last rather emotional days.)

We Had to Say Goodbye Today

It's hard though. You come and invest yourself, and then, when it's time to go, it just hurts. It just does. Last night was the hardest, I think. For me at least it was.

We'd had a particularly energetic and Spirit-strong worship time for evening devotions. I'd forgotten this, but Suradet can get downright bouncy - like our Derek - when he gets all worked up in worship, and it was like that. There were songs we recognized and songs we didn't, but either way it was like sucking in great wonders of happiness and praise and connection with this amazing God who created these amazing kids and allows you to have this amazing time with them. And I was all weepy already. But then Suradet quieted things down and we started singing Give Thanks - Korp-koon. And we get to that part where the weak say they are strong and the poor say we are rich, and I've completely lost it. Just standing there, crying quietly, overwhelmed with the presence of God in the voices and lives of people who really have so little but have so much.

That was last night.

And then this morning....after morning devotions....and it's the first day of school so Suradet has them do this Thai prayer line thing where each child lines up and stands with hands turned up as to receive the prayers of their elders. And Suradet and Tumanon and me and George, we go down the line, praying for each child individually. Touching them, speaking their name, commending them and offering them and advocating for them to God. It was okay until I got to near the end of the line where my own sponsored girl Thim stood, and right next to her little Miki who also has made special friends with me, and I'm trying to pray, honest I am, but my voice is squeaking out from a throat tight with knowing this is goodbye again. And just when you think it's safe to pretend you're not falling apart, Suradet asks if I will close by praying over all the children one last time. Brutal.

So why do I do this to my heart?

When you know it's going to hurt, why bother to come?

We've asked that question from the beginning. We've asked that question in new ways right smack in the middle of the trip. We know how much this costs, and now we know better than we did before what the needs are here, what still has to be done. We don't like the heat and we don't like eating rice three times a day, and we don't like big spiders or little scorpions in the bathroom. We've been uprooted from our families and our jobs and our regular lives and thrust into a world where everything is different and everything is the same all at the same time, and it messes with your mind and stresses out your body and rips out your heart. So why come?

I think part of the answer could be in what happened about, oh day three of our stay at Hot Springs. Suradet was telling the children, in Thai, that they were to pray for our sponsors and to thank God for sending "The Team" here to us. I know enough Thai words and he used our names, and talked about how long and big a trip it was for us to come, so I know that's what his instructions were. And then he started to pray, but had to stop.

Normally there's this thing they do, where Suradet starts out with 'hallelujah' and just launches into a prayer which is a signal for all the children to pray out loud at once; sort of this lovely, tonal melody of prayer that is wierd and beautiful at the same time. But this time, he started but had to stop. And there was an awkward silence, as if the children weren't sure what to do. Then one of them, probably Teh, got the ball rolling instead and they went ahead and did the prayer chorus thing. Suradet stayed quiet. And I know I'm still working through the language and culture thing, and I may not have understood this entirely, but I am almost positive that he wasn't praying because he couldn't talk with a throat tight from knowing that he was not alone in raising these kids. That someone, somewhere cares enough to actually come and know this.

He must have told me a hundred times. Yupa too, especially just this morning, kneeling together on the floor of the room where Starr and I were packing up. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Please tell members church, sponsors, we thank you for helping us. We thank you for sending you here. God bless you. God bless you. There are tears. There are hands pressed together and low down wais. There are things that can't be said in Thai OR in English.

So, if you don't think it matters, it does. If you think what you've given is too small, it's not. If you wonder why we're baking and doing Christmas bazaars and putting notices in the View, it's for this.

For goodbyes that hurt too much, because hearts have come together under God to rescue and feed and nurture and love His kids.....in a little place on the other side of the world....where my heart is wrecked again.